30 October 2020 Call-In
Hello Stefan and fellow listeners. I’m a 22 year-old guy who failed in almost every aspect a human being could. Never had any meaningful contact with the opposite sex, never had a real job, and I’m also currently overweight …
30 October 2020 Call-In
Hello Stefan and fellow listeners. I’m a 22 year-old guy who failed in almost every aspect a human being could. Never had any meaningful contact with the opposite sex, never had a real job, and I’m also currently overweight (280 pounds for a 6 foot guy). My only good point is that I don’t use any sort of drug (not even alcohol).
I have a very complicated relationship with sacrifice. I had a very strict childhood, with not many friends allowed in home, and not many entertainment sources. According to my parents, that was a way to “focus on my education”.
For a long time I was the best student in class, and I had to attend two high schools simultaneously. I got into college, and after almost four years of lies and useless classes, I dropped out. My parents don’t know I quit college. I don’t want them to know it either. Everytime they tried to “help me”, all I got was a clearer vision of hell.
I am also what you could call a “ghost employee” of the local city hall. My father got me this position using a friend of his. I would receive the pension promised in forty years (my ticket for the ponzi scheme), and right now I get the equivalent to $20 every month for keeping my mouth shut. Recently I managed to accumulate enough savings to live for three months or so without depending on my parents. But I’m afraid. I feel like I’m sitting on a box of bombs. My parents could find out I dropped out of college. They could throw me out of the house, and I could fail to find a way to support myself in those three months.
Not everything is bad though. I’ve been out of college for almost a year, and this year I have learned more than in my four years of college combined. Sometimes I still face failure—the most recent one being rejected for some jobs. Those failures, even the small ones, really knock me out. I fear I could be wasting my time. A certain bald podcaster gave me something to dream about. I don’t want to feel trapped in time, like my time in college, ever again.
My question is: how can I fix my relationship with sacrifice if all the sacrifice I have ever made was for nothing?
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