POLIAMORUS

A kizomba dancer visiting a festival using my hostel as a basis, reminded me of the values I used to have and the values I have turned to.

Before having taken the effort of building a serious relationship I was making love with every woman I felt attracted to.

I remember I was shy and afraid of intimacy and put a lot of effort in making eye contact in order to feel comfortable doing so.

Women liked that and seemingly felt encouraged to take the initiative to come closer, inviting me to come over closer.

During my military service I learned to be more extrovert in talking or even provoking people by sharing my opinion about them.
This resulted into women losing their interest in me but was valuable to me to feel more confident about myself.

During my first serious relationships I dreamt of having found the one and only partner that was going to take care of me in the same way I was taking care of them but instead I found out what loneliness is all about, when this didn't turn out to be possible.

In this period sexuality was very important for me in order to feel good about myself.
Also a sexy appearance of my partners seemed to be very important to me.

During the last relationships I learned more and more how I seemed to feel attracted by women with a sense of authority, finding out that this authority was always a kind of screen to cover up insecurity and a tool to keep up appearances around their status for example.

Meeting a variety of people all over the world during an intimate setting dancing tango, I learned about my own need for authority during my efforts to take charge in defending my own needs.
Finding out how they fit in with the needs of others.

I noticed that my need for sexuality, gradually was replaced by the need to develop myself emotionally.
Meaning my capacity to translate my thoughts or to share intimacy and tenderness without sexual intentions.
Finding out that sex had always been a kind of drug for me to nourish the lack of affection.