NYPD Lieutenant - Why did I take a knee?

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In the apology, Cattani said 'the cop in me wants to kick my own ass' and that he will be 'shamed and humiliated for the rest of my life' for the decision.
He adds that he has had difficulty sleeping and eating since and that he had destroyed his efforts to be a 'good cop' by 'the decision to give into a crowd of protesters'. Cattani claimed that he only did so thinking it would prevent any violence at the protest and had since thought about leaving the police department.
The cop admitted that he has even thought about leaving the force out of regret for his actions and claims that he spent years trying to be a good police officer.
'I spent the first part of my career thriving to build a reputation of a good cop,' he said. 'I threw that all in the garbage in Sunday.'