YOUR PAST IS NOT YOU!!!
How to be free of history...
Hello Stefan, I’m a 30 year old man with a long history of major depression and isolation that stems from my childhood experiences and growing up with neglectful and verbally abusive parents. My parents got divorced when I was one year old and my mother had custody of us mainly while my father would take us out over the weekends. My mother remarried later to my step-father and ended that marriage very similarly. My father would usually take us over his sister’s house and would just drop us off and watch sports on television with my uncle and never spent actual time with us. I had a lot of problems in school and was put on SSRI’s at the age of 13 and was diagnosed with major depression and bi-polar, which later I found out that bi-polar was an inaccurate diagnosis. I’ve been hospitalized on several occasions due to suicidal thoughts and self-destructive behavior, and looking back on it now, the only reason I behaved that way I feel was because it was the only way to get my mother’s attention when I felt that negative, as she also would ignore us most of the time and watch television. They both had the double standard of putting me down for playing video games too much while essentially doing the same thing they would. I went through a heavy video gaming addiction up until my mid 20’s, and then developed a heavy addiction to marijuana. I went through many counselors and psychiatrists, adjusting/changing medications until I found out the truth about these medications with the help of your show. I now firmly believe that my issues lie within post-traumatic stress, and have been off both the meds and marijuana for some time now. I moved out in my own apartment over 2 years ago now, and have not seen or talked with my parents since then. I had a long talk with both of my parents before moving and tried explaining the way I have felt and shed some truth to them, but they basically gave me more bullshit and I couldn’t have any sort of meaningful connection.
In present day, I have terrible flashbacks and dreams about my experiences and have lost a few jobs trying to cope with it all and am afraid of losing my livelihood and my life along with it. How do I move past this and start to define my own identity and make my own path towards happiness and not let this dark side of me run my life like it has for so many years? I have so much difficulty making connections and friends due to trust issues and the fear of being abandoned once again. I often ask myself, “How can I love someone else when I can’t even take the time to love myself?”. It has already taken its toll on me to where I feel bitter and resentful and I struggle with feelings of little to no positives. I have been going to therapy for a couple years now, what else can I do to help myself?
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