Hi Stefan,
My name is [x], I am 28, in two short years I will be 30. I haven't done much with my life. I have crippling anxiety and depression which makes it close to impossible to achieve any of my goals. I have no sense of self worth. I am currently on Zoloft and an anti-anxiety med to help me survive the day. Before the meds I was having constant unending panic attacks, my anxiety was at about a 10 and I couldn't function, all I wanted was for the pain to end, which I could only think was death. Since I was a kid, I would either be overrun by anxiety or depression, to a lesser degree than now. Over the years it got worse and worse and I feared one day that I would end up like this. I have gone to therapy for many years since I was 8-24 before forced by the school and later in hopes of me getting better before it was too late. By each therapist I felt betrayed, they would ask me to forgive my mom and say she wasn't that bad, I felt like they took to the "struggling black single mom is strong" narrative that she spins. My sessions usually end up with me arguing and explaining all the reasons she is bad and hurt me, like hitting me, screaming at me, gaslighting, getting my uncle to beat me, using my cousin as a weapon to hurt me when she was upset, blamed me for ruining her life, didn't take care of me to the point where I got diabetes and went blind for a year, constantly made weird sexual remarks to me and grabbed my butt a lot and so on and so on.
I try to study things but I just end up avoiding it or having panic attacks while trying to study. I failed out of college twice when trying to write my final papers but I couldn't, I call it the wall when this happens, when I'm trying to do an activity but I just can't do it, like there is a wall stopping me. My days are mostly spent watching YouTube and porn, well minus the porn since starting the medication. I don't really feel sexual pleasure maybe like on a scale of 1-3 sometimes but most of the the time I don't feel anything, I still feel the urge but no pay off, which leaves me feeling depressed and empty inside.
I do have friends but I end up ruining most of my friendships through how depressed I get and my lack of trust. I would go on and on telling them how they don't love me or care about me and how I'm a worthless human, just bashing myself nonstop until there is no one there to listen.
I do know these things are irrational, like me having value and people caring about me, but in the moment it all seems to real.
I know I've brought value to others , by saving a person's life, talking people off of killing themselves, providing emotional support, defending kids growing up from bullies, I volunteered for many years at a soup kitchen, but inside I feel like I have no value.
How do I stop being a worthless person so I can move on with my life and not be waste of space when I'm 30?
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